I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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