I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
