my phone needs a breathalizer
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
