and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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