thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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