a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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