On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
