Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My vagina is officially offended.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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