He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
