Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
