I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
