You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
