why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
