The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
