I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
