It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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