I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
