Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
