Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
