This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
