saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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