party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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