Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
