remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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