i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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