Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
