My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
