She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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