I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
