apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
