update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
