Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
