i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
