Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
