Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
