OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
