i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
