I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
