You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
