Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
