Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Watching her eat just hurts me
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I didn't notice because vodka
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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