So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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