saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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