you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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