I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
