I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
