just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
