I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
