I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
