my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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