His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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